Monday, April 16, 2012

A Letter to My Daughter

My dear Meryn,

It's almost midnight.  Ten hours before the man who found you will be interviewed at the Embassy.  And I can't sleep.

This morning, God taught my heart from Psalm 123.  He is enthroned in the Heavens, and I must keep my eyes fixed on Him like a servant girl watches her mistresses hand.  Servants don't watch their masters hands in anticipation of their master lifting it to do something for them.  No, servants watch, to anticipate their masers desires, to fulfill their wishes.  I can't sit and wait for God to move on my behalf. I must be waiting and anticipating what He has for me to do for Him.  Maybe tomorrow he'll lift his hand and tell me to go get you.  Maybe he'll lift it to say, "Wait."

For years, the idea of you has been in my mind and heart. I can't pinpoint the exact moment it began.  But there are some mile markers I know of....  One, listening to a wise woman tell of the blessing of their adopted son from Asia had been in their life.  That was the first time I realized fully that people adopted children from other countries. Then I traveled around India, and I remember a specific scene outside a train station.  A naked, dirty, little girl about two years old, with a string around her waist, tangled hair, no adults around, boring a hole into me with her wide brown eyes.  She was so desperately striking, I took her picture and for the first few years of our marriage, it hung in our house as a reminder to me.  Children need families.

A few years into our marriage, we heard of a boy in Africa who needed a family.  We both immediately thought, "We want him."  That didn't come to be, but it started us down the path of finding you.

At first, we thought you were in India.  But you weren't and God clearly showed us it was not India, but Ethiopia that we would find you.

Following his leading at every step, we began running.  But I grew far good dependent on myself and some abilities I thought I had to get things done.  I'd check in to get God's approval most of the time, but in my heart of hearts, I grew very proud and self-reliant.  For months, maybe years, I've lived with a very distant, very barely-alive relationship with God.

Which was not good.  For one thing, adoption is tough, and I've had so much doubt in God's sovereignty along the way, because of the state of our relationship.  And for another thing, it allowed me to begin thinking that we were doing something good.  Maybe even great. When in reality, we're simply watching our Master's hand and performing the task He gave us.

Because He Loves You, Meryn.  He did not and will never forget about you. I'll never fully grasp why He chose to bless our family with you, but I am humbled and thankful for the privilege of being your mom.  I know that we are not a perfect family, but I hope you will find your place with us, and will know in your heart always that God treasures you so much, He wanted you with us and us with you.  And he sent us across the world to bring you home, where He knew you belonged from the beginning.

And I want you to know that while I may have thought at one time He was using us to rescue you, just as Christ rescued us;  today, He showed me differently.  Today, I know that He is using you, sweet girl, to rescue me from my sinful self-reliance and pride.  He is using the path to you to refine me, awaken my soul to him again, and break me of my stubborn self-dependence, like only a journey like this could do.  Maybe we're rescuing each other.  Today for the first time in a long time, I was broken and honest before God.  The weeping, streaming tears, snooty-nose, face all wrinkled up kind of broken that makes you use every spare inch of your shirt to get your face dry.  The best kind of broken there is.  The one that lets you truly see God and yourself for who you both are.

I don't know what tomorrow holds.  But I know that our Father has gone to extreme, tremendous lengths to show His greatness, Hi spewer, His faithful love to us both.  And He'll be and do the same tomorrow.

From one fought for, sought after, treasured daughter to another,
I love you, Meryn!

1 comment:

  1. This is such a beautiful post, Megan. I thank you for writing it. You have a way of putting feelings into words and I can relate oh so much to what you are expressing. She will be here soon. shantih, peace.